*sigh* Where do I even begin... I've been at this for 7 years now, 7 fucking years... You know what? I’ll start by telling you how I feel about those years.
They have been some of the most brutal, ground shaking, soul searching, inspiration laden, fear, frustration and pain ridden years of my life. Oh, and outright fucking amazing as well.
I’m kind of smiling as I type these words, so how about that for a start? :)
I am not sure it is entirely accurate to say that I chose trading, at the least it is equally as true that it chose me.
Only now can I say that what I've been after from a very early age was Mastery.
Ever since I was a kid watching Masters perform their craft fascinated me, still true to this day, their field of Mastery is almost irrelevant to me.
Looking back I can see how my childhood-self attempted to figure out how to become “like them”, mistaking equipment, for the most part, as their source of Mastery (facepalm).
I like that kid when I look back at him today, cause he got the core of it right and was simply misguided as to the how, but that wasn't the case for most of my life.
For most of my life I was ashamed of him. Why? Cause he was misguided and got mocked for it, so I assumed my mockers’ perspective of things only to discover a lot later that they may have been right on a superficial level, but dead wrong in essence.
Essence, that’s another thing I need to get into briefly before I can begin to explain those 7 years.
In school, for example, let’s say math class, right? The teacher taught a technique. The students proceeded to implement the technique. And I’m stuck.
Not because I don’t know how to implement techniques but because I feel I don’t know what I’m doing.
Man did this make my life difficult, but... I learned to accept that I need to understand the essence of the thing I am doing, otherwise I can’t engage, stumbling when I force myself to.
I don’t care that a technique works if I have no understanding of its essence. This is so extreme in my case that I found myself abandoning a trading system that made money, not demo money, because I felt I had no idea what I was doing. A blessing and a curse kind of thing.
This is the time to say thank you to my wife, my daughters and my mom. None of this would've been possible without you, point period. Your support and sacrifice will never be forgotten.
My love for you is eternal